2014 ended up being a year of delving deep into the abyss. While some people in my life didn’t understand my disappearing, others gently supported me by trusting me and the process I was going through. I certainly didn’t feel okay or happy or appreciative of the good things in my life but they knew I’d eventually come out on the other side.
I have been re-reading books as I unpacked the authors and messages that inspired so much of the early years of my healing and recovery process. Having been treated so disrespectfully and horrendously by my family, I strove to discover what it meant to love myself and another person. So many years and instances of what felt like ice shrouds melting as my heart mended and opened up to let love permeate my life. These books have been treasures to see with fresh eyes and 20 more years of life experiences to color the visions they communicated to me. They have reaffirmed my path of self-discovery which allows me to interact with the world in a vastly different means than how I was raised. All the pain has led me to be a more compassionate and empathetic person who deeply understands how hard life can be and to allow this knowledge to guide my silent beingness in the world.
Through this latest delving, friendships and relationships have ended up changing. Around some people I don’t feel as anxious and recognize I’m less judgmental which allows a closeness that wasn’t there in the past. Other friendships have resulted in more distance as my views of life have changed yet again. I realized how much I had been conditioned to put on a happy face as an attempt to make my life more tolerable for the people around me.The gift of my knee surgery was I just don’t have the energy to do that anymore. I am a different person than I was a couple of years ago and I am enjoying learning what this next phase of my life has to teach me. My abilities have changed and day to day life is more of a struggle as my joints deteriorate. I’m sad about it as I’ve had to let hobbies that I have absolutely loved go because I physically can’t do them anymore. Some of my friends are willing to meet this newest version of me and others are resisting the change. With age, I have less of an attachment to who stays in my life and who I allow to move on as what we had between us isn’t serving either of us anymore. It’s living the whole ‘people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime’.
I am living with the ‘I don’t know’ more gracefully. The grasping of my younger years is giving way to a sense of discovery toward life. I don’t know what comes next. I don’t know what needs to get done and when. I don’t worry about a five year plan. Life is too uncertain for that. The things I can respond to are what is in front of me moment to moment. I can look at and truly see the person in front of me. I can reflect quietly to myself an appreciation of them or speak to it if feels right at the time. People often don’t get to hear the positives we feel towards them and I remember to give them my gift of seeing them when I can. From taking the time to discover a new me, I am able to discover the newness of people I have known for years. I don’t know who they are today and I look forward to learning about them.