One night my mom finally walked in on my dad raping me. He told her it was none of her business. He told her to go. She did.
I found out that my dad raping me wasn’t my greatest nightmare after all. Being left by the person I thought would rescue me was. It’s a moment I have lived over and over whenever I feel vulnerable and reach out to another person who ends up not coming through for me. The panic, anxiety and hopelessness flood me. I am lost for days or weeks with these emotions haunting me. I try to live in the moment. I try to find my strength again. I listen to the thoughts telling me to end it once and for all. There is nothing here that I want.
My suicidal thoughts on a daily basis have become a given for me. They are as constant of a companion as my thoughts to brush my teeth, and as unimportant. I know it’s the pain that I want to end. I know I am more afraid of failing at the task than succeeding. I know with time, they too will pass.
I am coming out of a time when these emotions were once again triggered by my life situation. The lesson has been to feel them and accept that that moment from my past cannot be changed. I am sad that it happened to me. I know I deserved a whole lot more. I am sad the adults in my life were so unconscious as to be able to do that to their child. I am so sad.
Whenever I think about the topic and feel the deep emotions associated with incest the one thought that comes to me is: seriously, no one should have to go through this. What needs to change in the human psyche to stop this pattern? It is insane.
I recommit to bringing my sanity and consciousness to the insane. I’m not into doing loud actions but live with quiet intention. I live in the now as much as possible.