Life after trauma can be thought of like a river that keeps on moving. Sometimes it calmly flows with barely a ripple to be seen. At other times it is raging over the rocks and other obstacles presenting themselves on its path. It is the continuous movement of the water that wears the rough edges of the rocks down to smoother surfaces so the river can flow easily once more.
At the raging times, I try to remember that the Grand Canyon, in all its splendor, was creating by a river cutting through the rock. My life of recovery from incest has not always been smooth. There have been moments of doubt and confusion that last much longer than I’d prefer. The core of my being is being shook up in order for some greater truth or version of myself to come forward. I have out-grown the old and the new has yet to develop. I am uncertain of the next step on my path and I have to live in the unknown.
So many good-byes in my life. So many, you aren’t enough for me, I want more. I deserve more. So many moments of guilt as I move beyond what I had previously thought was the highest high. Guilt for needing to leave others behind as I continued on my journey. The guilt of surviving and the guilt of needing to thrive. So many times of jumping and trusting the net will appear to catch me before I, metaphorically, plummet into the chasm.
What sustained me was deciding early on in my healing that the universe is a safe and friendly place. I know that evils exists and can visit upon anyone at anytime but I consciously decided to trust and place my faith on goodness. I wasn’t going to let fear win. I feel the fear and do it anyway. This decision has brought me more confidence and graceful experiences than any other decision I have ever made. I trust the process even when I don’t understand the moment.
My current lesson is learning to look at or watch the abuse happening in my memory and know that not one of us is worthy of the role we played. The horrendous actions perpetrated on me were not the actions of someone who believes he was a Child of God. Having to experience those actions were not worthy of a Child of God. I envision being able to stop it all before it even begins and shout, “This is not what God had in mind. Stop, you don’t want to do this because it is beneath you. You are loved as a Child of God. Don’t do it.”
It feels like forgiveness on a whole new level of understanding. I don’t know what is beyond the next bend in the river, but I travel along to see what is to come.